Election Campaign 2004
by Hitari
Summary: It's time to select the new president of the United Staes.... but when your choices for Vice President are Frodo and Haldir, things are bound to be interesting.


Okay, I am Hitari and my friend here is Zoe (also known as Resisting arrest on ff.net). We have written this... wonderful piece of literature together. It is kinda plotless I suppose..... well, just a little bit of plot, to make you laugh. Hope ya enjoy! Oh, there might be slash implied for comical purposes, but nothing bad. ^^  
  
a/n: (Zoe)No offense to Gore-people, I liked him too, I'm just joking around. I don't own him or the LOTR characters. Gore is a dwarf by the way.  
  
second a/n: (Hitari) I mean no offense either. This is intended for comical purposes only. I don't own Bush or the LOTR characters, lucky for the elf and the ranger, so no suing me or my fellow author! We don't own anything on Earth OR Middle-earth except this fanfic, among others. Oh, and remember, Bush is a hobbit.  
  
***  
  
"Get up Haldir! They're waiting for us." said Gore trying to pull me out of my chair. We were going out to make a speech at the Democratic National Convention. I didn't want to go.  
  
"What? I don't feel good!" I replied, taking a puff.  
  
"Stop smoking that crap! We're trying to become the President and Vice President of the Shire! You can't be stoned in front of all these people!"  
  
"Agent Elrond told me to be myself."  
  
"Agent Elrond needs to get a rug to put on his forehead!"  
  
Suddenly that moron Agent Elrond runs in,waving a newspaper. This is all I need right now. He hands the paper to that stupid dwarf Gore (Who died and made him supreme ruler of Middle-earth anyway?) Gore read the headline and cursed under his breath.  
  
" 'Vice President Democratic candidate Haldir of Lothlorien to be brought in on charges of Drugs, Prostitution, and Public Nudity ' ??! What the hell is wrong with you Haldir!??!" yelled Gore,flinging the paper down on the floor.  
  
"Aw, don't get your panties in a knot, I was just having fun! The prostitution doesn't count! It was Boromir's idea and he wanted it!" I replied.  
  
Agent Elrond stared at me in disbelief.  
  
"Don't you see? The other Vice President candidate is everyone's favorite! I mean, who wouldn't love Frodo, poor guy, with those big blue eyes!" ranted Gore.  
  
"Did you see what they said about me in here?" asked Agent Elrond.  
  
"What?" asked Gore, distracted for the moment.  
  
"They said my head is too big! Can you BELIEVE that?" asked Elrond.  
  
Gore and Haldir just rose their eyebrows.  
  
***  
  
I sighed as I watched the others around me. Bush was worrying that he would lose to Gore, Gandalf was giving him advice, Legolas, Gimli, Merry, and Pippin were reading the headline of a newspaper and trying to hide their laughter, and Sam was standing next to me, asking if I need anything every three seconds and giving me strange looks. Sometimes that hobbit scares me.  
  
"Okay Frodo, Bush, the only way to become the next president and vicepresident is to cry and say it wasn't really you." Gandalf said, his eyes taking on an unfocused look.  
  
I rose an eyebrow, " I thought that only worked with women on cops... and Haldir."  
  
Gandalf seemed to return to the present, " Oh... um... yeah, close enough."  
  
"Oh this is RICH!!"  
  
All of us turned and stared at Pippin who was the person... er... hobbit who just shouted. He's waving that newspaper that he and the other secret agents were reading. I'm a bit curious so I take it from him and read it, with Sam looking over my shoulder as usual. I swear one of these days I'm gonna throttle that ....  
  
Hold on a second, does this newspaper say what I think it says? Just as I'm about to read it out loud to make sure I'm not the only one seeing this, Agent Aragorn walks into the room with another identical newspaper in his hand and grinning widely. Taking off the black sunglasses he and the other secret agents are wearing, he points to the headline on his newspaper.  
  
"Did you see this?! 'Vice President Democratic candidate Haldir of Lothlorien to be brought in on charges of Drugs, Prostitution, and Public Nudity '! Now there's no WAY you could possibly lose Frodo!"  
  
Everyone around me cheered. Now this was great news! Out of the corner of my eye I noticed the tv screen turn on so I turned to see what was going on. Gandalf had turned the televison on to watch the Democratic National Convention, Gore and Haldir were supposed to be making a speech today. All the others crowded around the screen, trying to see what they were going to do since the 'interesting' news about Haldir had probably circled the globe twelve times by now. I watched with rapt attention as Gore walked up to the podium and allowed Agent Elrond to pick him up and place him on a large stack of phone books. I kept on batting away Sam's attempts to give me a glass of water since he thinks I look dehydrated, even though I'm already holding more H2O than Hoover Dam. Gore clears him throat and leans closer to the microphone to start speaking.  
  
***  
  
"Hello! It's wonder--" Began Gore, but he was cut off.  
  
An angry roar rose up from the crowd. I saw many people waving newspapers. Agent Elrond groaned and motioned for me to go onto the stage. I knocked the stupid dwarf off the stack of phonebooks and spoke.  
  
"Um...I guess everyone saw the newspaper." I began.  
  
A loud cry rose from the crowd. "DUH!"  
  
"Well,I would just like to say that all of this is a desperate and devious plan from our enemies.Yes, Frodo and Bush!" I declared.  
  
Agent Elrond looked shocked. Well, I think he looked shocked. It was kind of hard to tell with all that light reflecting off of his forehead. I was blinded and turned away. Gore struggled to get up from the stack of phonebooks on top of him. The crowd was silent. I spoke again.  
  
"I am not on drugs! I have never exposed myself in public! I am no whore!"  
  
I saw my dad in the audience. He groaned. I guess even he didn't believe that one.  
  
I stepped down from the podium and dug out Gore from the stack of phonebooks. He looked very pissed indeed. He waved to the crowd and exited. I waved and tried to keep from falling down. You'd think I'd be used to the drugs by now.  
  
"HALDIR! How could you?" said Gore, tearing his beard.  
  
"Wait, it's just crazy enough to work though!" exclaimed Elrond.  
  
Stupid old fool.  
  
"It is?" asked Gore, a wad of his hair in his hand.  
  
I hoped they weren't watching that on TV. Gandalf is a little violent and frankly, that Samwise is just a little too grabby.  
  
Apparently they did have the sense to turn the TV on. The phone rang and Agent Elrond answered nervously. I heard alot of screaming on the other end. One voice was Gandalf. The other was Frodo. I was right about Sam being grabby then.  
  
***  
  
That's it for now. If you'd like, write ideas for future chapters and we might use them if we like them. Hope you all liked this! Be ready for more! .... That sounds like a threat.... ^^ 


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